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15 USB Gadgets to Help You Get Through School

posted by Mark on January 6th, 2009

As an online student — or any student, for that matter — you’re virtually tethered to a computer, so why not make your prison as productive as possible? Plug in these USB devices and coast through school riding a groovy wave called technology. Just make sure your pimped-out computer has enough USB slots to keep these gadgets going. And you may want to research how to hook them all up without blowing up your computer.


Eye massagerEye massager: Studying might make you want to poke your eyes out, but instead try a multi-speed eye massager. Plug these little multi-colored peace signs in and relax as they relieve the pressure around your sight holes.
Hand warmerHand warmer: These nifty heated gloves not only keep your hands warm as you type in your drafty room, but they’re also shaped like monkeys! Insert your own joke re: monkeys and/or spanking.
Mini fridgeMini fridge: What would college be without a can of cold, um, “beverage” within arm’s reach? This mini mini fridge is big enough for one can — or two dozen thimbles.


Tape dispenserTape dispenser: If the Bionic Woman had a tape dispenser, this would be it.
Alarm clockAlarm clock: This is a no-brainer. Everyone knows students need help getting up on time, and everyone knows they love pigs.
Flexible keyboard: It’s nice that this computer keyboard is flexible, but its real selling points for students are that it’s waterproof, washable and quiet enough to not wake up your roommate.
Pencil sharpenerPencil sharpener: Not only does the iSharpener sharpen your pencils, but it changes colors as it does so — great for hours of fruitless staring.


Ionizer: Few things are more filthy than students’ living quarters, so why not purify the air with an ionizer? That is what ionizers do, right? Bonus: this one is shaped like a robot-thingee from the Japanese anime series Gundam, as if owning a USB ionizer didn’t make you a big enough geek.
Vision and posture reminderVision and posture reminder: Taking online classes, you spend a lot of time sitting in front of a computer, increasing your risk for repetitive stress disorder and eye strain. To combat these threats, this device flashes a light and sounds a chime if you sit too close to your monitor — like a nagging electronic mother.
AshtrayAshtray: Granted, smoking isn’t good for you, but if you must smoke, consider this electronic ashtray, which draws smoke into a filter, saving everyone else from smelling your stench.

Brain Stimulation:

Chess set: Skip your nightly game of beer pong once in a while to try a more brainy pursuit, like chess. This board can save, time and score your games, and it can even give you suggestions on how you should play (cocky bastard).
Microscope: This digital microscope is so strong, you can see the future!*

*Not really.

Stress Relief:

BasketballBasketball game: If you’re not careful, you might find yourself pulling an all-nighter…shootin’ hoops! Just don’t expect to win a fuzzy bear for your high score.
AquariumAquarium: I’m not sure about the wisdom of plugging a container of water into your computer, but if you do, this fake-fish aquarium is the way to go — now with less stink!
Panic buttonPanic button: When you’ve had enough of…whatever, take out your frustration by pounding this panic button, which thankfully triggers a screensaver and not a nuclear holocaust.
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